"Overdone and Undercooked" Newspaper Columns©

Wednesday, I had my final and 3rd interview with Finance Credit F.C.  It was very nice.  And Scott showed me what the collectors earned.  How to move up rapidly in pay.  And it is a small shop that continues your $2,000 base.  And did that feel good!! I was to work with another Collector, until I was comfortable, getting on the phones.

At home I had $40 bucks to my name.  Not a lick of Groceries.  Been eating out of the pb jar.  Making lots of rice w/bouillon.  And now throwing the rest of the frozen vegies in a pot.  I have two small potatoes left and thank god some butter.  Eating a ton of popcorn and making ice tea.

Have coffee cans and old juice bottles full of water so the refrigerator won’t stop.  Haven’t had coffee for two weeks at home, too expensive.  Still some pasta noodles and watered down the ketchup.

The mortgage hasn’t pulled out the $1,627.41 which will leave me with the 40 bucks.  But I’m too scared they will add on a 15 charge or I have forgotten some small bill and the check will bounce like last time cause F.C. check didn’t drop at midnight when they withdrew.

I got one boat guy for $85.00.  Told him 3 months down hasn’t called back.  I will have to call tonite, but I can’t be too pushy.  I will see if he will drop the check under the door mat.  Then Tuesday even thou it is not a full 10 days, I hope to god, the mail systems works, because that is the check, I owe Karen and hopefully since I didn’t pay any May bills.

However, now I realize I was rushed through my life by what I thought were mutual concessions and comromises.  But actually my wants and suggestions were always put on the shelf.

Today, I went to get Food stamps due to the fact I needed them.  I realize how much this divorce has changed me back into someone, I used to know.   I had dreams and hopes. And now I have found value. In that had been lost in myself.  I was rushed through my life, by what I thought were mutual, concessions, and compromises.  But actually, my wants, and suggestions, were always put on the shelf.

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”Life will always have bad things.  Things you can’t control.  Things that will hurt forever.  But, letting go after grief, is the only way to survive.  You can’t wear the bad things like a badge. Because it just grows, and gets heavier and heavier, and finally you can’t stand tall.  Only lay sideways, sinking, deeper, into the mud.”

I worked so hard, for so long, to save my marriage.  I put all  my energy, my soul, my heart, into saving this marriage.  I lived at the library. And read every self-help book, on how to be the best wife, a better wife, a wife that knows how men work, a wife who knows what a husband needs, etc. etc. etc.

And in the end, I spent 38 years of my life giving it away, to have in the end, a lifetime companion, that could share our memories, be grandparents.  I feel cheated, lied to, and made fun of.

I didn’t deserve this. No woman does.  To be living with a lie for years.  Living with a dream, that was never going to be a reality.

Living with an addict.

Each one of us would get an Offer.  But we were to keep it to our self.  Because we all had different amount of land.  I had the most land.

He showed us a drawing of the 100!!! homes, that were to replace our 3 houses.  Our homes we have had for years to be replaced!

It is over.  My fight to survive is over.  Squeezed out of my own neighborhood. That sat on the hill and the other 3 houses were at the bottom.  Taking simple stupid low offers, because they are afraid interest rates, will go up.

We would be given Earnest Money.  So, if the deal falls through, we can keep it. And it could take about two more years, to go thru Policies, of the Goverment. Before they would ask us to leave our Property.

Retirement age.  It is sell or build around me.  Oh, yeah.  That would be fun. Mowing on the lawn tractor with the house falling apart around me.  The deck has a gaping hole.  My lawn furniture, my Tropitone needs a new sling, cause of the rip.  The house and barn need paint terribly.  What would I do here for six more years.  Waiting for retirement money.

I would be 66!!  If years of exhaustion almost killed me. What would a little bit of 6 more years do?  It is like you get a paper cut.  And think damn.  That hurts. and then wonder, how much more it would hurt, if your arm was sawed off.  You know what I mean.  But, now with the recession, and my neighbors running to the 2nd builder,  that even made an offer.

Leaving me yelling at the top of my lungs, wait a mintue people, don’t take the first offer, don’t you know how to play this game!  No one ever listens to me.  Didn’t have too, they didn’t have a Mortgage.  Or Attorney deed of trust.  Or 1/2 Capital gain.

They had money in the bank for retirement.  I have bad credit, bills, I can’t pay, and now an offer that will have to sit in the bank and pray, it earns interest until I’am age 90.

So, I signed up.  Scared!!  If I didn’t, and scared, if i did.  Now what?

They say it will be almost 2 years, sitting here waiting, for all the stuff that needs house repairs.

Like I told Jim, my Real Estate Tax Attorney. It has been like always adding water to your shampoo.  I have been so streched, but so motivated. Knowing having the House would save me.  And give me retirement income.

And what frustrated me so badly, is to see in 2007 the house at its peak.  Not knowing a crash would snap the equity in half.

WeyerHauser said, ”They would build around me”.  I said, ”Find.  I will let the field grow and the house fall apart.  See how quick they could see the new home with me sitting in the middle!”  They said, ”They would build a fence.”

Jim said.  ”Stay if I want.  But you are on an interest only loan. And the five years is almost up. And for the extra money, you want for the house, might take six more years.

I don’t make enough income to live here.  And would not be able to park the Boats and Cars in the field.  And everything is falling apart.

From holes in the outside deck.  To the kitchen track lighting.  Only 3 lights are left.

Three Days later.  I sat with the neighbors and heard Harlod speech.

The other day I told someone at work, I have a couple of acres.  They said, too me do you live in a house?

And it dawn on me. That they most think I live in a trailer.  My truck banged on all sides.  No mudflaps. So, it constantly has dirt above all 4 tires.  I quess people do Judge you by your appearance.

And then there is the same black pants.  I wear everyday.  They still fit.  Their clean, dated with the wide legs, but hey,  I can’t sweat the small stuff.

If they could see the 3 and almost 4 year old bra and underwear. I think they would definetly think I live in a trailer, that was abandon in the woods, and the home of feral cats.

What I didn’t know that day, with Henry, who wanted to buy all our houses. Had talked to Ted already!!! About a first , second  and final offer. That and we had come to all was the first.  Then we had a second offer.  And a final 3rd offer.  Henry, each one offered more money, than the last.

We had our neighborhood meeting.  Where I spoke out in waiting.  But, my neighbors are retirement age.  No Mortgage, and scared of interest rates, going up.  And of course scared that any moment, I would foreclose.

They are tired and scared of ending up with nothing.  Now, we have a housing boom. But no one knows, if we  are headed to more recession, or out of this one.  So, me, and one other, neighbor held out.

I took the Contract that Henry offered us all.  I went to my real estate tax attorney, Jim.  He said, I should be lucky to get anything in this economy, and by summer it could turn worse, and he was upset, that I had spent these last 3 years desperately trying to keep my house.

 

 

 

”No.”  He looked at me frowning.  His heavy gray, black, eyebrows peaked into a frown.  ”No.  Your neighbor Ted sent us a letter saying that he wanted to sell.”  ”Oh, Ted.”  ”Yes.  Do you want to sell?”

My heart was bouncing.  I swung my legs back and forth on the tail gate of my beat up old red truck.    Was this a fairy GodFather or did TED alert all the neighbors that hated me…  right now to sell!!!

My mind is racing of course. I am struggling, but I am not about to just give my property away.  After all there is the lien from the attorney.  ”I don’t no.” I said, to him.  ”Well, here is my card.  Your neighbor has arrange a meeting for you all, where I will talk further about this opportunity.”

He put one leg down off the tailgate of my truck. ”I never did get your name” he said.  I just nodded and he started back down the hill.  I layed back on the back of the tailgate.  Confused and Angry.  So, now here it is 3 almost 4 years later.  Exhausting, mentally, physically, of hanging on to the last bit fighting to the end as they say.  Only to realize… I didn’t once think about when the fight was over.

Now, I have a new fear.  Pennies to live on.  And where to live??  I can’t even afford to live in my own neighborhood.

I was in the yard pulling out weeds.  When I saw an elderly man, approaching me from the Neighbor’s yard.  I stood up and watched him as he waved at me.

”Hello,” I said.

A little out of breath he, said, ”Hello my name is Howard.  I represent Weyerhouse.  And I want to discuss with you the Sale of your Property.”

”Really?”  ”I see you came up from the Neighbors.”  ”Yes, I actually went door to door with this discussion.  Do you have a minute.”

The tailgate was dropped from the truck.  So, since it was warm outside and I didn’t know this guy from Adam.

I said, “Sure if you want to talk sit down.”  He did.  He said that the Company wanted to buy all the Houses that sat on this Hill to start a new housing development.”

I JUST STARED AT HIM.

Here was this gentleman with a polo shirt and slacks.  White socks with his black shoes.  A tummy pouch and reminding me of an Elf.

”Now?” ”While we are still in recession?”  I asked.

”You builders know something the rest of us don’t know.”

Feeling on edge and disbelief I snorkley said,

”DOES THIS MEAN THAT YOU JUST WANT TO STEEL OUR PROPERTY!!!”

 

 

My mother had so many strange habits.  Everything in her house had to be white.  White walls, white furniture.  No magazines were allowed in the house.  She read and reread the same books over and over.  She had the typical attitude of the time,  where she hated different groups of people, and envy others, and had talent that was wasted. Her favorite books she read over and over was Will and Arial Durante Complete History series.

Her mother my Grandma was a Holly Roller.  She lived by herself in her advanced age  attended a Church a Member of an Evangelical Christian group that expresses: Religious: Fervor by Frenzied Excitement or Trances.   I remember as a child spending a month or so with her in the Summer.  In her tiny apartment, kitchen, bedroom with a bathroom.  I would sleep in the bed with her.  Maybe age 6 or 7.  I would wake before her and look out the window or read my Nancy Drew book.  When Grandma got up she did not stay in her pj or walk around with slippers.  She dressed like a lady.  I would watch her put her wig on.  She was completely bald, from some sort of disease she told me.  I just nodded politely.  I didn’t care. I loved her.  I loved pie.

In the morning we would have pie for breakfast or spaghetti!  I loved eating her pies!  They were as good as my Moms, who said that Grandma was the best Pastry Chef.  Then she would send me outside where I would walk to the store to buy a candy necklace.  And then go to the park and chew on my necklace, while I layed on my stomach, on the rubber swing, and use my feet and toes to push me back and forth.

We went to Church every day.  I would sit on pew and listen to the screaming and watch Grandmamma lift her arms to the sky and dance with the others down the aisle.  I had a pencil so I just drew pictures on the back of the wooden pew softly so know one would notice.  It didn’t scare me or bother me cause I loved Grandmamma. Grand Ma said she was a Bible Thumper as we walked back to her bottom of the floor apartment.  Where the upstairs lived the landlord.  I just smiled and held her hand tight.

She and my Mom did not get along too well.  So, I didn’t see her again until I was a Teenager.  We picked her up at the Bus Station.  She had on thick coke bottle glasses, that made her eyes 5 times their size and purple lips.

We held hands in the back seat of Dad’s car and prayed together that we would not crash.

 

”My Mom had a saying, ”Someone just walked over my Grave.”  I cannot recall the exact time I heard her say that.  I can recall that she said it very many times.  The first time I got a chill.  It started at the base of my neck.  It went down my spine and into my fingers.  Thereafter, I shrugged it off.  I did not know what it meant, and I didn’t want to know.

When I married and had a child she made innuendos.  Something about feeling things.  Always impossible to have a complete conversation without her becoming angry.  I would puzzle over this, I knew she was trying to share something with me.  Something to do with……..?  She had stories about feeling things.  Like knowing the phone would ring.  Or the  car in front of her was going to change lanes.  Or there had been an accident and Dad would walk through the door with his arm in a sling.  Or she would tell us the end of the movie before it finished.

When my father would be late for dinner and I asked why.  She would say, ”Because he is with his other family.”  I would laugh because surely, she meant the office.   She married my father when he was 25 and she was 40 pregnant with me.  Late in life he betrayed her with a young woman who he fathered three sons with.

Mom never said a word to anyone.  She kept it all inside herself until the day she died.  Then the truth came out–anyway.  Sheesh!  That is the way it was with us.  And the worst thing of all?  It is only now that I think I finally understand what she had been trying to tell me since my youth.  She never came out and said the words.  When I told her I had a feeling.  She would just  ‘poo poo’ it and tell me, ”Jill it is just your imagination, Dearie.”

 

All I could say was he hadn’t paid December’s rent.  No $400 for December.  The money I count on each month to pay the Mortgage.  I could feel tears growing.   The Sheriff asked if I could call him.

I walked back into the house.  Grabbed my phone.  And tried to calm down for a minute with deep breaths before I opened the front door again.

I called Dimitri in front of the two men outside.  Dimitri seemed to have a long voice message, but I didn’t hear it.  I was feeling sick to my stomach.  So, I left a message:  ”Dimitri, this is Jillie.  What time today will you be coming to pay the rent.”  ”Give me a call, please.”

The Sheriff called the Captain, who told them, they weren’t allowed to go inside the Barn, because Dimitri was a renter.  The Detective said to call back as he handed me his card on Sunday nite.  ”If you don’t hear back from Dimitri.”

Then the Detective stepped away from the dooor.  He pointed at the field.  He asked, ”If I owned the land to the end of the field and if the boats and trailers were my playthings.”

I told them both about my financial situation.  Parking vehicles and renting the Barn helped me pay the Mortgage after the abandonment from my Husband.  But, I told the Officer, the neighbors didn’t like the parking.

The Detective said, ” It’s your property.  And you do what you have to do.”  The Sheriff said, ”If Dimitri shows up, make sure you get your rent money first.  Then call this number.  Okay, Ma’am, you take care.  Thank you for your time.

They both left without saying anything about my Truck Tabs.  I walked to the Barn when they left, and looked in the window.  Everything was as it always was.

Down in the dumps, I walked the field trying to breathe, but like an Oxygen Thief, only tears came out.  I’ve learned something in these almost three and 1/2 years about process.  I have had to move in the process of not giving up.  And not turning backward.  My process is to save myself by paying attention to details.

I am still in my warm, comfortable home.  Still after everyone told me I wouldn’t and couldn’t and I was a fool not to FORECLOSE.

I am filled NO LONGER WITH FEAR…… BUT WITH PRIDE.