Flat on my belly on cold linoleum and shoved against the mop head, the pantry shelves above me, I had not been able to move a muscle for three and 1/2 minutes.
Listening intently, I was awaiting the thieves who enter my kitchen. You know the ones: Husband, alias utensil robber of spatulas, cooking pots, butter knives all snuck out of the kitchen drawers and led directly into …The Garage.
And here’s the clincher. Once in the garage these precious kitchen utensils instantly become grease scoopers, oil drip pans and worse of all leather rippers. I have self-described him as a “kitchen utensil junkie.”
The other thieves? Children. From toddler to teenager they are in there pilfering the kitchen scissors, twine, spoons. Anything their little mugs can get a hold of and then sneak upstairs to their rooms.
I had confronted, accused and questioned to NO avail. All I ever received was denial. “I didn’t do it.” “I did NOT take it.” “What would I want with that…duh?”
This week I made my biggest, most rewarding discovery in the time-honored way, by watching and waiting, waiting and watching.
A couple of days before I had hunted right there, in the teenager room blatantly lying on the floor, Number One evidence-my kitchen scissors. I took a Polaroid shot. I continued the hunt with new appreciation, having now seen the competition.
In the garage under the car-my stock pot-with car oil dripping in it, another Polaroid snapped.
I waited until Saturday chores were completed. Ready now for the confrontation I dropped the ax on this one-time only opportunity.
The tribe sat in a circle as I slowly revealed the pictures behind my back as evidence. They all sat there silently contemplating their destiny.
“This is proof of what I have been saying that you are thieves and have conspired to deplete me of any kitchen utensils.” I shouted.
“I know your trick, you think you have learned to be crafty by putting the dishes away in mysterious places. Well, you cannot throw me off the trail any longer I am on to you! Several behavior studies (I threw this in as their attention began to lag) says that…”
If you want to know the truth, I glimpsed around the room they were captured, pinned down, stunned. It was great.
“The closest you will come to life on this planet (home) I continued, is to admit to fault and I will go easy on you.” No one quarreled, no one disagreed. Call me cautious, but I’m always suspicious when everyone is so agreeable all at the same time. All at once.
I thought the case was closed until today, when I went to the cabinet to pull out my Jell-O mold…it was missing. I looked out the kitchen window and there it was full of dirt…with a spoon in it.
For obvious reasons, I’m resigned to the fact that my pantry is too small for stakeouts and I have learned to cook with…
NO UTENSILS NEEDED RECIPES
CHICKEN -HAM PINWHEELS
2 chicken breasts
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon dried basil leaves, crushed
dash pepper and dash of garlic salt
3 slices ham
2 teaspoons lemon juice
Paprika
Pound chicken breasts to 1/4 inch thickness. Mix salt, basil, pepper, and garlic salt; sprinkle on chicken. Cover each chicken breast with 1-1/2 slices ham; roll up length- wise. Place, seam side down, in 10×6 inch baking dish. Drizzle with lemon juice; sprinkle with paprika. Bake at 350 for 35 minutes. Cover; chill thoroughly. Before serving; cut chicken rolls into 1/4 inch slices. If desired, serve with bite size rye bread spread with softened butter and mustard. Makes 24 slices.
MEATBALL NUGGETS
2 cups soft bread crumbs
1/3 cup milk
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 pound ground beef
1/2 pound bulk pork sausage
1 5-ounce can water chestnuts, drained and finely chopped
Combine first 5 ingredients; add remaining ingredients and mix well. Form into 1-inch balls. Place on cookie sheet and freeze firm; wrap in foil or plastic bag and return to freezer. Before serving, place frozen meatballs on sheet baking pan. Bake at 250 for 35 minutes. Keep warm in chafing dish. Makes about 5 dozen. Serve with toothpicks.
APPETIZER CHEESECAKE
2 cups dairy sour cream
1/2 cup finely chopped green pepper
1/2 cup finely chopped celery
1/4 cup finely chopped pimiento-stuffed green olives
1/4 cup finely chopped onion
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
Dash paprika
5 drops hot pepper sauce
1 -1/3 cup rich round cracker crumbs
Combine all ingredients except crumbs. Line 4-cup bowl with clear plastic wrap. Spread 1/2 cup of the sour cream mixture in bottom of bowl. Layer with 1/2 cup of the crumbs; then 1 cup sour cream mixture, 1/2 cup crumbs, and remaining sour cream mixture. Cover; chill for 24 hours. Store remaining cracker crumbs. Before serving: Unmold onto serving plate; remove wrap. Top with remaining crumbs. Serve with assorted crackers.